On February 14th we celebrate love, eat chocolate, buy lingerie and are inundated with images of a small flying baby in a diaper shooting people with arrows.

Stop looking at my butt, a#*hole!

But in the midst of our cinnamon-heart-induced sugar highs, what most people fail to realize is that February 14th is a holiday that marks a death – the death of Valentine.

Around 278 AD, Valentine lived as a priest in Rome. One of the major parts of his job description was to marry people.

Enter Claudius the Cruel, aptly named because he liked war, and he liked winning in war even more.

Who was crueler, Claudius II or his esthetician?

One day Claudius realized no one wanted to join his army. People were saying “his wars are kinda dumb. Why would I want to leave my wife and loved ones to die by having a long stake shoved all the way from my ass up to my ears?” (not an actual quote)

“Emperor’s Army?! Crap, I thought it was the line-up at Starbucks!!”

As with most villains, the problem was clearly NOT with Claudius, but with marriage and love. And so, Claudius the Cruel banned marriage and engagements.

But Valentine was a romantic at heart who clearly voted for the other guy, and he continued to marry lovers in secret.

When Claudius found out, he was seriously peeved off, and decided to behead Valentine – on February 14th.

But Valentine’s brass echoes through eternity, not because of the card and chocolate sales on the day that carries his name, and not even because he was named a saint after they chopped off his head. The true size of Valentine’s… NERVE… was the love note he left behind for his jailer’s daughter, who he had been hitting on from behind the prison bars. He signed it, “From Your Valentine”. A romantic gesture, sure, but also a bit of an “eff you” for the wanks who jailed him in the first place.

If Valentine wasn’t a priest without the benefits of modern dentistry, we believe he would have looked just like Johnny Depp’s Don Juan de Marco.

So, this Valentine’s Day, as you’re buying flowers and candy, think of the man who married couples in secret and then macked up the jailer’s daughter, and let that inspire you to buy your significant other a gift that matches Valentine’s style.