Today marks 2-weeks until the big day! Halloween is just around the corner. For true enthusiasts, costumes and haunts have been in production since November 1st of last year. For those who are less “devoted”, the costume dilemma is number three on the “ah crap, why did I wait so long?” list, trailing only behind “buying Christmas presents at the 24-hour gas station” and “birthday flowers at Mac’s under the pretense of picking up Milk”.
Fortunately, with 2 weeks left, there’s still time to put together a decent costume. Providing you start now, you’ll not be that guest scowled at for wearing a t-shirt that reads “Costume” admist 50 people who have put unimaginable time, effort and expense into theirs (in fact, you may as well just write “Complete Wank” on that shirt instead).
Here are a few suggestions to get your creative process going, and we’ll be adding to it as the big day approaches.
Half Man/Half Woman
The first time I ever saw this it was at a lip-syncing1 talent show in Junior High. I was both fascinated and disturbed as the lights came up to a person standing sideways dressed as a man. He lip-sync’d, with great fervor, the male version of some horrible 80’s duet2 by Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville3. Then, when the female singer came over the speakers, this person turned the other way and was dressed as a woman! AHHHHHH! Terrifying, and isn’t that in the true spirit of Halloween?
1. Lip-Syncing Def: A popular party/performance activity in the 80’s and early 90’s that involved big-haired people moving their lips to their favourite song on stage while audiences watched and wondered if their wrists would bleed out before the end of the performance.
2. For our younger readers, that’s the uncool version of a collaboration. Now they call it “featuring”. See “shameful marketing joint venture” and “Pitbull”
3. The fact that I can recall that piece of trivia for you now is completely thanks to my therapist’s progressive “memory supression reversal” technique.
Go to Walmart and buy a pair of white or beige spandex pants. If there are none on the racks for purchase, just rip them off one of the hundreds of fat-ass Walmart shoppers who subject us properly-clothed people to that visual torture as they buy Doritos, Oreos and Diet Coke.
Next, hit the fitness aisle (you’ll be alone there, so send a dirty text or scratch that itch) and get swimming goggles and a swimming cap (this can also be substituted for a thug bandana, whatever is closest at your disposal). Then hit the Halloween aisle and get a pair of wings and some glow sticks in your ideal colour. Come costume time, break them and shove them down your pants (The BACK, perv! Not the front). Et Voila! Firefly.
Ah, Antoine Dodson, a man made famous for his overzealous news interview after some “idiot in the projects” jumped through his sister’s window and tried to climb into bed with her. Then, The Gregory Brothers auto-tuned a song that is so bloody catchy we find ourselves humming it through the silence of a Taylor-Swift-On-All-Stations radio strike in the car (except that “You Belong With Me” song. Just as catchy. Damn it!)
We can’t come to a consensus about why we like Antoine Dodson so much. Maybe it’s because The Gregory Brothers’ video made us laugh until we peed. Maybe it’s because he openly slags off knock-off costumes and fervently insists that those who buy them are “raping his family” (he’s gonna find you, he’s gonna find you). Maybe it’s because the only thing longer than his hair now are his arms (really! They are really, really long!).
You too can say things like “run and tell that, homeboy” this Halloween withoutgetting slapped in the face like you would any other day of the year for being an unoriginal dick who can’t come up with his own jokes. The official costume includes a wig, red bandana, black wife-beater and a rolled up paper. Again, you could just rip that off the average man shopping Walmart with his “old lady” but you don’t want to be accused of family-rape, do you? Help the Dodsons move even further from the projects by visiting http://www.bedintrudercostume.com/
Have a good costume suggestion? Come post it on our Facebook page and “like” while you’re there. We need lots of people liking us to feel important.